Actually, Let's Make Polyamory Illegal
TV reviews, TV opinions and also sometimes other opinions
**This discusses the newly announced HBO Max documentary, There Is No “I” In Threesome and how bad I think it looks. There are no spoilers.**
In my last newsletter, I celebrated Search Party and a special moment I felt saved bisexual polyamory from yet another embarrassingly low cultural moment. We all moved on, content to forget about something that is honestly, so embarrassing to talk about publicly. Then, HBO Max decided to double down on the poly party and announced the documentary There Is No “I” In Threesome (I apologize to Interpol on behalf of the poly community), embarrassing us all as a community once again:
I’ve said it many times. In articles, on podcasts, in newsletters and on YouTube: my goal as a bi poly black girl is to destroy the hold messy white people have on media depictions of polyamory. This documentary has set my work back by decades, so shallow is it in its scope. There Is No “I” In Threesome’s trailer doesn’t even lead you to believe this could be about anything other than typical monogamous-centered topics like jealousy and threesomes.
First of all, they throw out this red flag: “We’ve been engaged for a year and in an open relationship for 3 months.”
Look, it is never a great sign when you’re looking for other people to fuck instead of planning your wedding. The engagement period is probably the worst time to try and “open up.” Like, jeez, just focus on floral arrangements and leave other people alone. You have the rest of your marriage to involve other people. But even if we overlook that part…3 months? 3 months?! 3 MONTHS. You’ve been in an open relationship for 3 months and thought, “people need to hear our story?!”
3 months is the amount of time it takes to officially call something a hobby. When it comes to polyamory, 3 months isn’t even enough time to realize you’re probably doing it wrong. I’ve been doing it for 7 years and I still give advice like, “Hey…this is just my experience, given what I know, from my point of view, what I would suggest is possibly….” This isn’t a documentary on polyamory, it just looks like two egotistical white people who watched too much Vice and thought they could do it better.
The trailer feels more like a murder mystery thriller where someone’s feelings get stabbed to death than a dive into a sensitive topic: the way we desire and create relationship hierarchies. No, this is about this guy’s fiancé getting jealous and him getting jealous and three-person kisses (absolutely disgusting, should not have been filmed, gross, no thanks). It’s for people who know very little about polyamory but assume it’s complicated, messy drama and want a reason to wave it off. At best, it will reaffirm them while angering anyone who actually understands this stuff.
But, this is just the trailer, so who knows. I could be wrong. Obviously, I will be watching the entire thing, because watching things is what I do. I’m just tired of unscripted shows defaulting to this messy caucasian narrative for something that’s like…kinda common and really not even that interesting anymore!
Whenever the “classic” sex shows—Real Sex, True Life—touched on polyamory, they’d find a white chick who takes burlesque classes, a guy who probably owns a vest and thought everyone would be intrigued. I thought we’d come a long way since then, but There Is No “I” In Threesome feels like a step back to that era. Even network TV is doing more interesting stuff: 90 Day Fiancé’s Tarik and Hazel are documenting their open relationship and you can watch them every Sunday. They run into a lot of the same problems with the added layers of race, a kid, and visas thrown on top.
Open relationships, non-monogamy, polyamory—whatever you wanna call it—can look so diverse and different and Tarik and Hazel at least offer a glimpse of that (although the whole “Hazel can only date women thing” is…another conversation). This HBO Max documentary doesn’t want me to ask questions about the boundaries or guidelines this couple thought about and discussed. It wants me to be…entertained by a German guy getting spanked in leather?
I don’t know why HBO Max chose to focus on this cookie-cutter situation. The trailer says the idea is to “offer alternatives to monogamy,” yet their entire situation takes place within the framework of traditional monogamy: they’re engaged to be married and primarily see polyamory as a means to explore sexual opportunities and relationships that feed their sexual desires rather than interpersonal needs.
Some shots of a threesome and a BDSM dungeon is not an alternative to monogamy, it’s swinging at best. The man in the relationship even brags about having a fiancé and a girlfriend, as though collecting multiple women is more important than the reason why he actually wants a relationship with them. It’s some of the worst of what polyamory has to offer. It is what I have worked so hard to defeat.
It’s not an alternative at all, it’s monogamy with a fedora on. And until we figure it all out…well…let’s just shut it all down maybe.
Here’s a quick list of the TV I watched that I’ll be talking about on the podcast Friday. Wanna read full TV coverage? Subscribe to the Patreon.
Disenchantment
Wandavision
Euphoria
The Unicorn
Evil Lives Here
Hoarders vs. Hoarding: Buried Alive
I’m sorry this newsletter was late! I was going to write a whole personal essay about getting engaged at 19 because I went on a binge listening to Say Anything during a writing spree and transported myself to 2009, but then this documentary trailer came out and I got so angry, I HAD TO WRITE ABOUT IT!
Also, Cloris Leachman died and I got sad:
So to apologize, this week’s episode of TV, I Say is extra special and it’s going up early this week for free! Who are my guests?
Nicole Byer and Shaun Robinson. Yeah, TOGETHER! Talking about Nailed It, 90 Day Fiancé and more!!! What a treat!
Oh…also, TV, I Say was in The New York Times today!!…Which is…wow, just…thank you so much for listening and reading and supporting me!
“...a white chick who takes burlesque classes, a guy who probably owns a vest and thought everyone would be intrigued.” You’re describing 50% of the Bay Area, and at least 60% of why I left. It’s like they have some kind of stake in making it look as unattractive as possible (when it is not!). Lord, yes. Loved this piece!!