This is my newsletter where I was going to talk about random pop culture opinions I have, but given this week, my first post is about something else. It’s very long and I don’t think anyone will read all of it, but it covers everything I feel needs to be covered. Oh yeah, it talks about everything. The tweet. Yusef Roach. Alex Kime. Here it all is:
Hi! I’m Ashley Ray. Wait, I’m Ashley Ray-Harris, I don’t want to lie. I want to be clear. Recently, a number of people have asked me to explain myself and my tweets. “I’m a liar. I do it all for the clout. I need to explain myself.” I’ve long believed explaining myself to the internet is a pointless assignment, isn’t that what got me into this mess? But, I think this has shown me people want to engage with me on a platform where I can give the full story when I post, rather than Twitter where I’m focused on creating content, making jokes and testing bits. So, welcome to my newsletter. If you don’t know what I’m talking about at all, congratulations. If you do or if you’ve wondered, “What the fuck is up with Ashley Ray’s twitter this week?” well then, here you go.
Let’s get to the issue at hand: yes, I faked a text exchange for a screenshot and included it in a tweet thread. I’m sure you can find it. I didn’t delete it.
The tweet is about a guy who ghosted me and how he ghosted me because he thought some of my tweets about R. Kelly were actually about him. This did happen! A guy I hooked up with did in fact hit me up to see how I was doing. I asked him why he ghosted me. He said he felt like some of my tweets were subtweets about him. And he was right! Some of the tweets he sent me were in fact subtweets about him. But, and the thing I thought was funny, was that some of them weren’t about him. They were about R. Kelly. The rest of the conversation was pretty boring. I told him he should’ve just let me know he had a problem with some of my tweets. There was some petty back and forth on both ends and the conversation ended. Still, I thought, it’s kind of fucking funny he thought those R. Kelly tweets were about him.
And so, as a comedy writer, I set out to take this event from my life and shape it for my audience in a way that would be concise and make sense for Twitter. I guess I could’ve tweeted the full story: “omg, this guy thought i subtweeted him and sent me a bunch of tweets and some of them were subtweets about him, but some were about R. Kelly” and maybe it’s just as funny. I don’t know. I still think the original way is funnier.
Oh my god. There it is, right? It’s disgusting. That’s the bare fucking gross truth of it that we’re never supposed to talk about, right? That all of us comedians and content people, desperately try out new jokes and material and bits from the things that happen to us? And sometimes, we exaggerate, we speculate, we create shortcuts to get to the joke and make a point to see how the audience responds. And we all agree not to lift the fucking veil and point out that the girl who tweets about being lonely all the time is actually in a committed, healthy relationship. The parents and cousins and boyfriends we joke about aren’t ever as one-sided or uneven as we paint them to create jokes on social media. In reality, these people are humans with full lives and obviously there’s more to the story, but who can explain all of that when you’re trying to make a 240 character joke about something your mom said? So, we edit. We take shortcuts. We help our friends edit their tweets and find funnier points of view. We look the other way when a white guy fakes a ghost in his house and turns it into a movie. But when that code is blatantly violated? Well, it’s embarrassing.
That’s all I can really say! I feel embarrassed about it, but it happens. I definitely deserve to be made fun of for it and I would never tell people not to make jokes. It is fucking funny. I ordered a phone case that says “i’m good.” I don’t feel bad about it because I don’t feel like it’s something that needs to really be explained. I just thought everyone could laugh about it and move on. But then, I got death threats. Non-stop Instagram comments. I was “cancelled” unless I answered for this. People demanded an explanation.
Because, as with most things on the internet, there is more to the story. There are a few reasons people were so quick to pile onto my embarrassing moment. Some of them are fair. Some of them are funny. Some of them make no sense. You can take your pick here, honestly. As “Ashley Ray” I’ve been doing weird shit on the internet since about 2014. That’s around the time I discovered something called Alt Lit on Facebook. Alt Lit was this community of online writers and poets and content creators who made well...weird shit. And sincere shit. And funny shit. But mostly, it was different shit.
Personally, I thought it was stupid. It was funny and a lot of the writers were talented, but, at the time, I couldn’t comprehend the idea of communities that existed entirely on platforms like Facebook. It was Facebook. My mom is still on it. On top of that, it wasn’t how I related to the internet. I started writing poetry in high school with an embarrassing focus on slam poetry. It’s where I learned to write and tell stories. Eventually, I realized I hated slam poetry and storytelling and really just liked the parts where I made people laugh. To me, it’s a path that makes sense as a comedy writer.
For example, I have a joke in my set about losing my virginity when I was 14 and I’ve done a version of that joke on twitter. The reality is that the joke came from a monologue I wrote when I directed an updated version of the Vagina Monologues in college. I did a variation of the Coochiesnorcher monologue that was based on my own experience. This monologue, if you don’t know, is about a young black woman who loses her virginity to an older black woman. As a queer woman, I knew this was a common experience from others I’d talked to. I felt the original monologue missed some things. I wanted to update the piece so we could ask ourselves, why is this so common? I also didn’t want to change the tone of the piece, which I felt was more complicated than tragedy. It’s about joy, growth, pain, sadness...the messiness of experiencing something like this.
But, when I finished reading my piece, my cast was just sad. One of the tones I wanted to include was comedy, so...I didn’t think this was ideal. I asked them to help me workshop the piece, why was mine so much sadder than the original which people seemed more comfortable with? Eventually, someone said it was because I blatantly made it clear I was 12 early in the piece. Once that was in her head, she couldn’t get comfortable with the rest of it. I thought that was fair. Despite what the tweet and my joke say, I was actually 12 when it happened. But, that wasn’t the only point I was trying to make. I asked her how it felt if I said 14 in the piece. I ran it by some others and they were then able to understand that this was the story of someone being too young, but they could also focus on the rest of the story; the other points I was trying to make.
Was that a lie? If you know me in person or talk to me, I do not hide any part of this. I will tell you that I was 12 and I will tell you I changed it in the joke to make people comfortable. My friends know the truth. My family does. Most creative writers and comedians who use their personal lives as inspiration eventually run into this problem: How much is too much to share? How much do you keep to yourself? What do you change to keep your friends and family from thinking you’re attacking them? This is how I’ve been accustomed to writing since I won my first poetry slam in 10th grade with a piece that ABSOLUTELY tore my father apart.
But, in those days of Alt Lit, people celebrated sincerity or “new sincerity.” You were encouraged to put as much of the truth forward as possible. And I thought that was fascinating. Honestly, I’d never been bothered by the story using the age 12, it was always at the consideration of the audience. A way to put up content warnings so I could guide the listener to my point and not get distracted with grittier details. Alt Lit seemed cool because I could just...well, write it how it happened and not really need to explain myself. You didn’t like that the joke was about a 12 year old? Well, that’s just the truth. Oh well. At that time, I mostly posted under the name “A Ray Hay,” a weird nickname some friends gave me from my full name. I liked that this was an online version of me that could be absolutely truthful about things that happened in my life, but could still maintain a distance from an audience of internet strangers who used fake names and posted behind avatars.
I would post about annoying boyfriends, but never mention a nice girl I was in a boring, casual relationship with. I would post about my mom or my job, but mostly stuck to the entertaining parts. I would post about Alt Lit beef and or whatever drama was making the rounds that day. I would make call out posts and petty posts and take sides in dumb internet drama. To me, it all kind of seemed like this separated performative space that didn’t have much to do with my actual IRL life. My IRL friends would usually tell me they unfollowed or muted me when they got tired of seeing their timelines taken over by weird posts they didn’t understand about people they didn’t know. When I would try to explain why some internet person named Hanxxx Starr who lived in another state was mad at me, most of my IRL friends would roll their eyes and say, “we don’t know what you’re talking about.” To this day, my best friend since 8th grade, the person who knows nearly all my secrets, has no idea what the fuck I do on the internet.
And I like it that way, because I found out pretty quickly that relationships and conversations that mostly exist on the internet are ripe for miscommunication and escalation. A Facebook argument where you disagree quickly devolves into two parties blocking and “hating” each other for life. On the other end, there’s unspoken internet decorum that suggests it’s lame to address these miscommunications or issues and that allows them to build up and explode. You’ll end up having beef with people you don’t even know you have beef with because it’s lame to say “ay, was this post about me?!” or “ay, you know that one time we spent significant IRL time together and I think we realized we don’t get along, but I guess we’ll agree to never talk about it and just act fake nice to each other on the internet?” I have left a trail of people who probably have some variation of these feelings.
And let me be clear: it’s not uncommon for an ex or a friend or anyone to hit me up and ask if I’m subposting them. A sly or blatant reference to an old friend or ex is kind of my trademark, I guess. Usually, it’s how I joke about a situation. I know that ex or friend isn’t actually as bad as the status says and I’m not asking anyone to crucify them, I’m just asking you to laugh at the fact that he would fall asleep to Drake albums or an old hook-up would think R. Kelly tweets are about them.
So, when it was my turn to be embarrassed on Twitter, I sat and took my turn, because apparently a number of people were waiting for it and I’m glad they get to have it. Again, there may be legit criticisms beyond, “well you do this for clout,” but so far, everything I’ve seen seems removed from what I know to be true, so it hasn’t bothered me much. Do I lie on the internet for clout? No! I don’t have any! You guys, I’m barely a touring comedian. I really only started like 4.5 years ago. I barely have a TV credit (does a Vice late night promo in Australia count?) and I use social media to test shit out and see who’s into my weird point of view. I saw one angry tweet that said I “learned to lie when I worked at The Onion,” so clearly people aren’t seeing my comedy resumé as impressive.
Mostly? My social media presence or the “clout” I get hurts me, if I’m being honest. This is not “oh woe is me, I have a blue checkmark” nonsense. I mean the way I personally use my social media, to constantly workshop a character or voice or jokes, has hurt me. Like I said, I’m not a famous comic. Throughout multiple dayjobs, coworkers have remarked that they’re shocked by my tweets. Imagine you work with me and you’re like “oh she said a cool thing about Bernie Sanders one day and the next day she said she wanted to ride Aaron Hernandez’s nose in hell.” I once made it to the final round of interviews for a position at Twitter where they were impressed I was verified on Twitter until they actually read my tweets. At that point, I was told I wasn’t hired. I once continually tweeted that I was 25 (I’m 29 and I post my natal chart everywhere, so no, I do not lie about my age) because of a dumb joke and lost a writing job because they said I was too young. Still, I make jokes saying I’m 25. Just because I think it’s even funnier now!
I don’t know how most of you are defining “clout,” but trust me when I say I do not have it. A comedian I absolutely adore once told me she was excited to see where I’d be in 10 years. A few days later I posted, “the nicest thing anyone in comedy has ever said to me is that they can’t wait to see where I am in 10 years.” A few months later I found out from another comic that she thought the post was an insult and didn’t want to ask if I was being sincere when I wrote it. But I was being sincere and nice! Hadn’t I said that when we talked in person…didn’t I….Eventually, you get tired of explaining yourself and all the miscommunications. The people who get it, get it. Other people will find my internet presence to be messy and I assume most have me muted.
That’s okay. I’m not for everyone. My jokes, my thing, they’re not for everyone! But, when those jokes are sometimes tied to my personal life and people perceive those jokes as lies, I understand the issues that come up. Mostly because of The Two Big Issues: Yusef Roach and Alex Kime.
If these two names mean nothing to you, that’s great. Others probably know them as abusers. Alex was a sound engineer in Chicago. Yusef was a comedian and popular podcast personality in Austin and LA. In 2016, 8 women in Chicago came forward to accuse Alex of sexual assault. It was a huge blowout in the local “DIY Chicago” scene. At the time, he was my friend, but I quickly sided with his victims and was very vocal about the resources being offered to them and the accountability process Alex needed to face. I mention this because some of his victims saw me as one of their few public, vocal allies on social media and if any of them now doubt me because of this twitter incident, I want them to know they shouldn’t.
Last year, in 2019, a woman tweeted about Yusef Roach assaulting her in the middle of the night. At the time, he was my boyfriend. When I saw the tweet, I reached out to tell the girl what she described sounded similar to something that had recently happened between Yusef and I and to see if she was ok. In the weeks prior to her tweet, Yusef had been spiraling pretty hard on drugs and alcohol and had garnered a lot of money from online donations by lying about seeking rehab and treatment. Yusef was a liar. A thorough liar. Like, lied about having a therapist to me for months. Lied about going to AA meetings with friends. Actual lies, not exaggerated twitter jokes (although he did tell those too). Yusef fooled a lot of people and what unfolded after that were some of the worst days of my life.
Yusef, who still had access to money and drugs, was consistently forgetting we broke up and would show up to my apartment to harass me. At one point, he slammed my head against a wall when I tried to push him out of my room. He sexually assaulted me. Two hours later he was messaging me to ask when he should come over. He had no memory that he’d already been there. I took pictures of the damages to my room. I took pictures of the bruises on my face. I knew I had to because even though Yusef was a liar, he had more twitter followers than me and people inherently believed him.
Meanwhile, people who only knew me through internet circles and had met me maybe a handful of times were saying I was just attracted to toxic men and I needed to look at my own role in Yusef’s abuse of me if I wanted to heal. I thought it was insane that people who had no personal knowledge of my dating history could even feel comfortable saying that to someone going through abuse. Here I was, desperately looking for therapy while people who only had one edited view of my life thought they had a perspective they just didn’t have. It wasn’t helpful. If I’m only attracted to toxic men? Why did I have 3 girlfriends willing to jump in their Subarus to come beat his ass then? The whole situation made me realize it was better and healthier to put more walls up between the reality of my life and who I am and the weird projections of the internet.
Eventually, it would come out that Yusef assaulted 4 girls other than me over a few years and 2 of them had tried to come forward, but were harassed by his army of fans on Twitter and Reddit. When I broke up with Yusef and before his abuse was outed, his fans started sending me death threats. They told me I was abandoning him when he needed me. I knew I had to keep my receipts. When the full story and his other victims came out, I really think I was only believed because I was able to put all of these records on display for people who believed they deserved an explanation. They could see the photos of bruises and broken glass and his abusive messages. I had to prove I was a reliable victim and I did. So, these are not the things I would exaggerate or lie about and I wouldn’t put his other victims at risk like that. I understand that responsibility and I would hope you all know that I do.
But, after Yusef, it seemed like all I could be was a “victim.” Despite the fact that I had a longer writing and comedy career than him and more career experience in general, my name couldn’t exist without his and that was the last thing I wanted. When I went to comedy shows, people would give me sad looks. People who wanted me on their podcasts before Yusef was cancelled, suddenly didn’t want to talk to me or get involved. Once, right before I was supposed to go up and do my set, a girl came up to me and went “wow I just searched Yusef on twitter, do you think you could tell me like, the top 3 worst things he did? I dont have time to scroll through all that” I was not going to let that motherfucker steal the voice I’d crafted over years to turn me into some kind of siren who only warned others of his evils. I said fuck that. I deleted nearly all mentions of him. I stopped using his name (mostly). I figured the posts and stories from other victims were out there and that was enough.
Obviously, it wasn’t. So, if my getting embarrassed on twitter in any way shed doubt on Yusef or Alex’s other victims, then I’m sorry for that. I don’t feel as though I should have to explain that these situations are different. Outing abusers and telling people to believe victims is different than workshopping a joke on Twitter, but as I see more people use this “i’m good” situation to discredit me over Yusef, it’s become clear people don’t seem to understand that.
I didn’t get clout from either of these situations, if anything, they both only made me seem “messier” online. Most people wanted to avoid the topic all together. In my experience, people like jokes on the internet, not random beef that’s hard to follow. And, honestly? As a black comedian on social media, people don’t grant me the separation of art and personal space that white performers. And that’s not just me! That’s most black comedians on social media. Think about it. You know those funny white girls who make front-facing videos on Insta and Twitter aren’t really that over the top or annoying or silly, they’re performing. Yet black comedians aren’t granted that same suspension of disbelief across. On Twitter, Tiktok, etc., people don’t tend to credit us for putting as much thought or art into a similar type of performance. It’s as though they think we’re just naturally funny or we owe them the entirety of our lives and story, even though black creators and comics put just as much artistry and thought into their internet personas as those who are celebrated on Vulture. I know we’re not supposed to say it or point it out, but we put work into turning our lives into something people want to laugh at.
On top of that, I’m a woman. And I’m a woman who has previously dared to be a victim in public, which means people expect me to act a certain way. I can watch men go from tweeting about wanting to fuck their cats to posting about Medicare For All and everyone understands they’re just...a multi-dimensional person with a variety of interests. But I’ve had people tell me that tone reads as manic for a woman online: “Do you care about rape culture or do you just make jokes? Do you care about thirst traps or do you care about politics? How can anyone take you seriously?” So, when I get called out because I rearranged some texts to tell a joke, I’d guess all this shit is also at play when people get this mad. The thing is, I’m allowed to be messy and imperfect and hot and serious and sad and funny and that doesn’t discredit me. I get to care about all of those things.
So, other than the people who chose to use this moment to discredit victims and any harm that could’ve caused, I don’t feel bad. I didn’t steal anyone else’s content! I didn’t lie about who I was like emoblackthot! I don’t pay people to RT me or follow me. I got caught editing my life for a joke. For some people, none of the above will matter. No matter what I say, I’m a liar who does it all for clout. Fine. You can live the rest of your life knowing everything I tweet is a lie. That means you can also rest easy knowing I have never masturbated to The Sims.
Thank you,
Ashley Ray (is my stage name)
Ashley Ray-Harris (is my real name, like for articles and stuff. Please remember the hyphen)
P.S.
The LAPD tweet: I don’t fucking trust cops. If people are telling me they’re getting tickets or people are saying cops are being shady, I’m going to promote the voices of people rather than the cops who lie. I’m not a journalist. I am a comedy writer. If you believe cops, that’s fine. Tell all your friends, “I’m not gonna listen to this comedy writer.” I’m sure they’ll be fine with that. I don’t see any issue with warning people that cops lie, there are multiple police departments/rogue cops at play during quarantine and some people are reporting that they’re getting tickets. That’s just info people can use to be prepared. The worst that can happen is that they don’t get a ticket for breaking quarantine. So no, I don’t feel bad about that either.