On God, We're Gonna Get This Girl Some Jizz

TV reviews, TV opinions and also sometimes other opinions

**This talks about some plot points in the show Bridgerton, but doesn’t feature any real spoilers**

will she ever get the jizz?? watch Bridgerton to find out

A few days before Christmas, I kept getting texts from friends asking me if I was going to watch something called “Bridgerton.” I had no clue what it was, but quickly found out it was the latest Shonda Rhimes drama on Netflix. As a Rhimes-devotee, I suddenly understood why everyone was asking if I was going to watch it. So, as soon as the clock hit midnight and it was Christmas Day, I decided to stay up all night and watch the entire show. Also, I was on acid, so I figured, why not? The livetweets were pretty entertaining if you got to enjoy them on my alt account.

Is Bridgerton a good show? That’s a silly question. It’s a Shonda Rhimes show. It is emotional manipulation with string-renditions of pop songs. It is full of hot sex and intrigue. It rarely makes a ton of sense, but it’s not a show you’re supposed to think too much about. Harlots is absolutely a better version of this show if you want better characters, narrative and acting. Most of the joy I got out of Bridgerton came from secondary characters like Penelope and Eloise, but even the issues those characters address are better done in Harlots. But, since we don’t have Harlots anymore, I’ll settle for this.

Also, Harlots actually addresses the whole racism thing in a way that makes sense while Bridgerton just lazily explains that the king married a black lady, so there’s equality in this version of history, unless the narrative requires racism as a plot device, in which case, the one darkskinned character on the show experiences it. They would’ve been better off not addressing the race stuff at all. Also, I’m sorry but that little white girl who plays the lead looks like a sickly child next to the grown hot ass man that is Regé-Jean Page.

But, Bridgerton does have something Harlots doesn’t have: an obsession with jizz that makes the show fucking hilarious.

You see, the show focuses on one girl, Daphne Bridgerton, and her quest to get her hands on some jizz. I mean, technically, it’s about her finding a husband and starting a family, but the show is actually just about this one girl learning what jizz is and how it works. Without spoiling anything, she sadly falls in love with a man who has taken a vow to never have children and thus, will never give her the jizz. Instead, he has decided to cum in his hand for his entire life because his daddy was mean to him.

“I swear to god, Father, I will jizz on every napkin in the land before I have a child, this is my vow”

Literally, the cliffhanger for an entire episode is whether or not she got the jizz. At another point, the biggest issue is that he lied about the jizz. At another point, she’s angry with her mother for not explaining the jizz. There are also so many hilarious shots of the Duke of Hastings rushing to pull out so he can deny Daphne the jizz and I demand the internet make a supercut of these moments. Since the central drama of the show is whether or not this girl is gonna get the jizz she desires, I won’t spoil it for you.

Is it worth watching? Sure. Bridgerton is entertaining, soapy trash like most Shondaland shows and it’s nice to look at. Also, I really really miss Harlots. There are classic Shonda tropes you’re sure to notice too if you’re a Shondaland-fanatic too (they remix Grey’s Anatomy’s classic “pick me, choose me, love me” speech for a more feminist audience with…well, mixed results). I also don’t know how the show will have a second season when there was no actual plot left by the finale and everything was wrapped up. Still, like most of Shonda’s shows, I am all in and will eagerly binge every episode if it’s renewed.