Ranking Characters Of The Boys By How We Would Have Sex
TV reviews, TV opinions and also sometimes other opinions
At TV, I Say, we promise: there are no spoilers below. Enjoy.
Look, I’m supposed to be writing a lot of very serious work things right now. But then, The Boys came back to Prime Video and I said “Well, fuck all of that.” I love disgusting, gritty, violent comic book shit and I’ve been all in on The Boys since it first made me see a human explode in 2019. If you like Invincible, if you are still mad that Rat Queens was never made into a TV series, if you wish Harley Quinn had live action violence and gore—The Boys is the show for you and my god, is it back and better than ever. If you haven’t watched it, go start it. If you are like my friend Anna who said it was “too icky,” I hear there is a new season of Spongebob on Paramount+.
And while The Boys is constantly praised for its storytelling, Antony Starr and visceral depictions of the human anatomy, people largely ignore that it is also the sexiest show on TV right now. While this title previously went to The Great Pottery Throwdown, I am happy to bestow this award on season 3 of The Boys. The Boys disgusts me as much as it turns me on and that is the sex appeal sweet spot. That is also the beauty of The Sexiest Show Award I made up: it has nothing to do with actual sexiness and everything to do with raw sex appeal. Every character on The Boys brings a different form of desire, charm and, in some cases, absolute top or bottom-appeal.
So, after watching the first 3 episodes of this season (again, now available on Prime Video), I stopped everything I was doing to breakdown and rank the sex appeal of each character. It is time we stop ignoring the fact that if I had to choose a TV world to live in and then subsequently get gangbanged in, it would be The Boys and I don’t think I’m alone in that.
No spoilers below. Also, please stop telling me these actors’ names. I don’t know who they are. I am not attracted to Tomer Kapon, I don’t know who that is, I am attracted to Frenchie, a (sadly) fictional person who does not exist and who I will never be able to hold in my arms. This listing is purely based on the TV characters.
Ranking Characters of The Boys by How We Would Have Sex
#1 - Queen Maeve
Duh. Maeve is the only person in The Boys universe who I am sure could top me. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. She’d also be down to get drunk and party hard and by the time I woke up in the morning, she’d already be gone. Ideal. She also gives off real rope kink vibes.
#2 - Frenchie
Everything about this character screams absolute sex appeal. He is perhaps the most x-rated character on television right now and if this show was on a broadcast network, they’d have to blur out every inch of him. He is also the only man on the show who truly isn’t afraid of powerful, strong women who don’t feel like talking. While many say Frenchie is the human embodiment of the bottom emoji and a walking sub, this is only partially true. Frenchie is a clear brat. He’s going to spit at you before you chain him up and lick his face and put a cigarette out on him. Anyway, I want to lick his face, I want to bury myself in his armpits, I want to dress my salad with his sweat and I think the show should #LetFrenchieFuck.
#3 - Mother’s Milk
Sir, yes, sir.
#4 - Black Noir
Wouldn’t talk, into kinkwear, definitely a switch who is actually a switch but doesn’t make a big deal about it. I think we’d become actual friends outside of sex.
#5 - Kimiko
Many think you have to take Kimiko with Frenchie, but this ignores how badass Kimiko is on her own. Also, sorry, but Kimiko totally gives off a vibe that she’d fuck Maeve before we ever see her sleep with Frenchie (or maybe that’s just me projecting). Anyway, Kimiko would obviously be a very good domme with the best aftercare practices. Like she always makes you dinner and a bath after she spends all night signing her name up your cunt.
#6 - Butcher
I don’t care who you are or where you are, I think it is an inalienable human right that every person on this planet deserves to have a one night stand with an accent like his while pissfaced drunk; preferably in a bar bathroom. Make him say “Oi!”
#7 - Homelander
I mean, personally, I do not like to drink milk or be terrified/hurt during sex, but if that is your kink, I respect it and recognize Homelander’s talent in this area. It’s Pride Month, so I’m not going to kinkshame.
#8 - A-Train
A-Train is definitely one of those guys who thinks he’s really good at sex and freaky, but then they meet someone who is actually kinky and realizes they’re very boring and vanilla. He’d just be so cocky and annoying until you slap him so he gets on his knees and learns a lesson. He’ll carry the night with him forever as the first time he ever felt truly emasculated by a sexual experience and the two of you will never speak again.
#9 - Hughie
Absolute simp, total fucking sub, you make him go down on you all night and he pretends to be super understanding when you tell him you’re tired right after you cum and he has to go sleep at his place. Then he’ll probably have breakfast delivered to your house in the morning. He just likes being walked all over, but he feels so helpful when he fixes your wifi or shows you how to improve the audio quality in your Spotify app even though you cannot tell a difference.
#10 - Starlight
Gonna be real with you, the first time I did this list, I didn’t even remember to include her. She’s like, an ex-Christian rockstar. Sorry, but we aren’t having fun. Also I bet she’s so picky and annoying and only has sex once a week.
#11 - The Deep
The. Worst. Only on the list because he is a main character. He’s a creep, abuser and like Aquaman, probably fucks fish. I’m not getting genital barnacles from this fucker. He has no standards, it’s obvious and everyone stays away from him.
I’m sorry if this post is “toxic femininity” but again, it is Pride Month so if you have a problem with this, that is homophobic actually. I will not hide my truth. Unless you are my mom, then I did not write this, this is a guest column.