Wrestling. I promise, I'll shut up about wrestling.
Welcome to "wtf is ashley ray tweeting about now?" a newsletter where I try to explain and defend the nonsense that made up my twitter feed over the last week
Wow, well look at this. Doesn’t this seem more “official?” After last week’s post, people said “you should do more of that.” So, I thought, why not? I think a lot of the time I conflate explaining yourself with defending yourself. As a comic, if I have to explain why I said something, it feels like I’m defending the reason why I even said it in the first place and that’s no fun. But, as a mature adult who understands that words have consequences, I’ve always been happy to explain myself to my friends and loved ones when I think it can be productive. Suddenly, it seems like it it might be productive to do some explaining for a larger audience.
That’s my own fault. I’ve never really taken myself seriously and I certainly never thought anyone would encourage me to take myself seriously. Let alone strangers on the internet! Yet here I am, feeling supported and encouraged by a weird network of people who found me and shouted, “you have our attention, but would you please stop fucking talking about wrestling and tell us who you really are or why we should care?” Ashley, they beg, we don’t totally understand your ironic interest in Aaron Hernandez’s dick, but we are trying, would you please work with us? We are trying to support you and you make it so difficult-
And for the last week wrestling has been the niche topic that has nonsensically dominated my twitter feed. Why? Well, I watched all of Dark Side of the Ring on VICE three times and got very into that shit. My friends will tell you, I have a deep and abiding love of dark sports conspiracies. I once dedicated a significant portion of my life to tearing down the lies in I, Tonya because I am driven by justice for Nancy Kerrigan. I have an entire bit about OJ Simpson actually being innocent. The BALCO conspiracy American Scandal and Aaron Hernandez Boston Globe podcast series are the only ones I’ve ever listened to in their entirety. I thought the Aaron Hernandez Netflix documentary was fascinating and Dark Side of the Ring is like…6 Aaron Hernandez Netflix documentaries all smushed together. It’s fucking insane.
There’s something about the image of superhero athletes and the dedication it takes to become a top wrestler or football player and the harsh reality of the toll it takes on their lives and bodies. Sure, professional sports are dark because they blatantly put on display the ways people profit off of the destruction of the human body, but there’s also an odd sense of nobility that’s forced onto the narrative. For example, Aaron Hernandez is a murderer. Point blank. He murdered people! He’s absolutely guilty. There’s no reason a documentary should exist about an incredibly sloppy murderer, but it does because somehow his status as an athlete makes it more tragic.
I’m fascinated by that disconnect. There are times when the public or society or whatever you want to call it is willing to forgive and there are times when they’re not. It’s funny to watch the ways society will twist itself up to explain one thing and ignore another. More often than not, athletes are given that grace while others aren’t. Hell, Chris Benoit murdered his family and documentaries and books about him still call for empathy towards the insane physical pressure that broke his brain. It’s like we’re supposed to go, well, he lost his mind to CTE and hurt innocent people….but he did it doing what he loved: entertaining people and taking chair shots to the skull, how brave.
So, I guess it was that observation that initially got me into wrestling. Then it was Bruiser Brody who made me fall in love with wrestling. Brody was an incredible wrestler who was murdered in 1988. He was difficult to work with because he knew he didn’t have to take shit from anyone. He did things his way and didn’t feel a need to explain himself to people. He separated his personal life from his public image and didn’t think he owed anyone anything. In Bruiser Brody, I saw a clear hero and role model. Also, he was like, so incredibly tall and attractive. But also, he was fucking stabbed to death, so maybe the lesson there is: don’t be an asshole and learn to work with people. You can learn a lot from wrestling.
So, anyway, that’s why I’ve been tweeting so much about wrestling (and also Aaron Hernandez?) and I’m sorry.
What else have I been tweeting about?
This is the part of the newsletter where I talk about TV.
Insecure
You can’t watch Insecure without joining in on the twitter conversation, but I’m also reviewing this season for The A.V. Club if you want to catch up. Mostly, I don’t hate Lawrence anymore, but everyone else does now!Mrs. America
This show is incredible. It’s on Hulu. You should watch it. It hurts to see how long America has been dealing with the same issues. I hate Phyllis Schlafly and it makes me hate her more.#blackAF
First of all, if you’re white: feel free to watch this show guilt free! I don’t know why a number of white people have asked me if it’s ok for them to watch this or said they love it despite it “not being for them,” but I promise, it’s for you!! Black people don’t need lessons on Juneteenth. Black people don’t need lessons on slavery. We are not the audience for #blackAF. If you liked black-ish, you’ll probably like this. I think it works okay if you look at it purely as a family sitcom. If you need something to replace Modern Family, #blackAF can do that for you. If you want Atlanta…this is not the answer.Better Things
Please watch this show that is so pure and the best show about motherhood and sisterhood I’ve ever seen.Dark Side of the Ring
That Dino Bravo episode was kind of boring. Like, not really much mystery there. Seems like he joined the mob and then got killed for being in the mob.Pleasantville:
Please just get personal with us
This is the part of the newsletter where I’ll answer your relationship advice questions and talk about random shit in my life.
What makes me qualified to give relationship or dating advice? Absolutely nothing. Let’s just clear that up right away. I’ve been non-monogamous since 2013. In college, I was in a lot of feminist and sex-positive groups that brought speakers like Tristan Taormino to campus. I date a lot. I read a lot of books about dating. I have long distance relationship and long term relationship and short term relationships and hookups and periods of celibacy.
Often, I find that it’s hard for me to find advice for my particular queer, black, poly way of dating. I once tried to start a freelance relationship advice website called thewildparty.club that would be entirely run by non-binary and trans writers with crowdsourced advice. It turns out organizing writers is very hard and I mostly gave up on that idea. Still, people ask me for relationship advice and I do my best to share my thoughts and put them in touch with LEGIT PROFESSIONALS and REAL RESOURCES.
So, that is my caveat. I have made so many mistakes in my relationships and I’ve learned so much from those mistakes. I hope you can learn from my mistakes too.
I love your content and would appreciate your insight on my current situation. This is a little embarrassing but I’m 23 years old and I’ve never been on a date. When I go out with my friends, guys always talk to them and ignore me. I know I shouldn’t center my life around male attention, but it’s so hard going through life without knowing what it’s like to be desired and flirted with. I’m not sure what I can do differently and I’m just feeling kind of down. - Cynical Millennial
For most of my early 20s, I was in a long distance engagement. From 19-22, my dumbass was engaged to a guy who lived in a different state than me. For most of that time, I did not believe there was another man interested in me on the planet. I would go out with my college friends and watch people hit on them, but always felt like people never even flirted with me, even if they didn’t know I was taken! It’s not that I wanted the attention, but I wanted to feel…wanted. So, I get where you’re coming from, that’s a normal feeling! Don’t feel bad for wanting to be seen and appreciated in a way that feels good.
And that’s kind of the first step. I had to admit it feels good to be flirted with! I had to admit I did want that attention (within my boundaries and in a way that I consented to, I’m not saying I constantly want to be catcalled), but I think a lot of us are conditioned to think charisma or flirting are something you either get or you don’t. Like, there’s just people who were born with this magic spark in their eye and the rest of us are doomed to spend our lives as sidekicks to their more interesting lives. But, that’s not the case! The reality is that those people who are doing the flirting and getting the attention? They’re finding a way to communicate that desire. There is no magic that makes someone shoot their shot, honestly. People will usually shoot their shot if the opportunity presents itself. Once I was upfront about the fact that I wanted to be flirted with, it was easier to have that desire reciprocated.
As someone who was born with a permanent resting bitch face, I go out of my way to make eye contact and to repeat their name if I really want to make my interest clear. I get it, I’m not one of those girls who comes off as bubbly, I have to do a little more work to let someone know I won’t rip their head off because I seem like someone who would rip your head off. Maybe you come off as shy or uninterested (many a man has told me I come off as condescending), but there’s a way to be you and let others know that being you also means being flirty! Show people what that looks like. Oh god, that’s hard to do in a quarantine, isn’t it? Hm, I think I have some tips on that below.
I promise you, the interest is there. There is someone out there for everyone. Even most of the characters in Tiger King had partners. Also, don’t be afraid to ask people out on dates. I’ve started a lot of relationships in my life by asking to borrow someone’s phone, putting my number in it and then saving it as “Ashley, Cute Girl from Bar.” Don’t be afraid to go for what you want.
How to Be Flirty During Quarantine
What you need:
-Tinder (or dating app of your choice)
-Thirst traps
-Passing knowledge of an interest
Flirting is not an easy thing to get comfortable with, but it really is something you have to learn! Like kissing or communicating with a partner, it’s something you actually can get better at. Your friends who get more attention at the club aren’t more charismatic than you, they just learned to flirt from watching Sex and the City at a younger age than you! (Definitely watch Sex and the City to learn how to flirt, don’t watch it to learn anything else)
Without clubs or bars to practice flirting, I recommend online dating. Make a profile under a fake name. Get a Google Voice number if they ask to move things off the app. Match with everyone who seems like a fairly decent human being. This is your no-consequences-quarantine Tinder account and you are just gonna use it to FLIRT. Yeah, it sucks, but making small talk and figuring out how to hold someone’s attention on a dumbass app is pretty similar to getting a guy to buy you a drink at a bar.
Also, pay attention to what absolutely bores you. Not everyone is worth flirting with! Not all male attention is attention you want! If a guy says something that makes you groan, that’s one less kind of guy you want flirting with you at a bar anyway. I don’t want to talk about Westworld on Tinder so I definitely know I’m not gonna listen to some guy at a club talk about it just for a drink. I hope we can all enter the post-quarantine world as efficient, professional flirters.
Thanks for reading! I hope any of this was good!